When I saw the tracheastomy tube intact on my son's neck, I felt numb. I was just blank. I was wondering as to how much longer would the doctor ask us to wait before giving a next try. The ENT's face was extremely grave. I was surprised that he should look so upset.
So, as he started to explain, I was listening with a smile. The optimism mask was taking over. Probably a few more weeks of waiting. It was after all not going to be so difficult that we were sort of used to the tracheostomy! But, then I heard the doctor saying that his edema hasn't reduced even a little bit and that his bronchoscope could not even advance beyond the voicebox. I was shocked! In a minute, all my optimism vanished! Not even a slight improvement in six weeks???? He was saying that it now did not look like a case of simple edema. There must have been scaring due to the ventilator and that it might need a surgery to rectify the problem. However, it can heal on its own too. Probably we need to wait another 6 months...
I was losing hope. There were tears in my eyes. I was just half-listening to the doctor. I could hear him saying that we could give a try after 2 months. But, somehow I began to feel that even after 2 months nothing is going to change. I felt that the tube would be staying for a long time and that we all need to get used to the tracheostomy. There were whole lot of things that I had put on hold so that it could be done after the trach was removed. Now, it looked like things could not be postponed anymore. My son's PT and OT needs to be resumed, flash cards needs to be introduced and there were so much things to be done!
Ironically, despite tears in my eyes, I was smiling even as the doctor was explaining - have I gone crazy or was I just wanting to show off that I was a strong woman? I did not have the mood to introspect.