I'm back after this long silence. I had been too busy in August. Not the regular busy carrying out everyday activities. Rather busy emotionally. Crowded with emotions ranging from anger to guilt to self-realization. And, this has got nothing to do with my son.
These emotions arose from problems that started way back. Five years back to be precise. I had been wronged and cheated. That too for being good and helpful. For four years I had been fighting bitter battle with people for justice. I fought it alone. It was such a traumatic period. I was emotionally broken and the stress began to take a toll on my health too. But, I did not give up fight. I kept fighting till I was paid back whatever I lost. But, they were able to only pay back my monetary loss. No one cared about all the emotional pain that I was put through.
So, last year when I got back whatever I lost, I was happy. I thought I had won my battle and the problems were finally coming to an end. After my son was born, these same people began to come into my life again. All that I expected was a sincere apology for making me go through so much trouble. But, I received none. They just came back as if nothing happened. I was expected to behave the same way.
With so many hospital visits for Vignesh life was getting hectic. Since, these people came over and helped me take care of the home, I began to relax. But, deep in my heart I could not just forget all the bitter years. A lot of times I thought I would make peace with them. But, whenever some difference of opinion arose, all my anger would swell in my heart. But, I had to be nice since it was my house and they were my guest. I was leading a life of double standard and it was killing me from inside.
At times, I would even feel guilty for being angry with them since they were helping me out with Vignesh. But, at the same time a lot of things around me began to change. I began to lose my independence. I began to feel a lot of restrictions on my life. A lot of times I began to feel like a stranger in my own house. That is when the alarm rang inside me. I had already had enough in my life because of these people. I did not want them to ruin my peace of mind again. But, there was nothing that I could do because they were my guests and I had to be nice to them.
So, to make this long story short, last month there was a small argument. That was enough to trigger all my emotions. 5 years of anger and frustration came pouring out. I demanded answers for all the injustices that they had done to me. I was even more angered to find that they did not have any sense of regret or even apprehension for have been so unreasonable towards me. That was the limit.
I finally severed all my ties with them. After the incident last month, I went through a lot of emotions - guilt, anger, fear, peace, etc. I was unable to decide if I had done the right thing. All of a sudden only yesterday the simple truth struck me. Whatever I said during the fight was what they had done to me. If that should offend them, it was not my fault. It was just because they were so ashamed to face the reality. I don't want to be good or bad. I just want to be right. And, in my knowledge I had done whatever I thought was right.
Finally, I have found peace. Five years of burden that I had been carrying has finally been thrown away. Thrown where it belongs. And, its time for me to move on with my life.