Thursday, September 10, 2009

I'm back!

I'm back after this long silence. I had been too busy in August. Not the regular busy carrying out everyday activities. Rather busy emotionally. Crowded with emotions ranging from anger to guilt to self-realization. And, this has got nothing to do with my son.

These emotions arose from problems that started way back. Five years back to be precise. I had been wronged and cheated. That too for being good and helpful. For four years I had been fighting bitter battle with people for justice. I fought it alone. It was such a traumatic period. I was emotionally broken and the stress began to take a toll on my health too. But, I did not give up fight. I kept fighting till I was paid back whatever I lost. But, they were able to only pay back my monetary loss. No one cared about all the emotional pain that I was put through.

So, last year when I got back whatever I lost, I was happy. I thought I had won my battle and the problems were finally coming to an end. After my son was born, these same people began to come into my life again. All that I expected was a sincere apology for making me go through so much trouble. But, I received none. They just came back as if nothing happened. I was expected to behave the same way.

With so many hospital visits for Vignesh life was getting hectic. Since, these people came over and helped me take care of the home, I began to relax. But, deep in my heart I could not just forget all the bitter years. A lot of times I thought I would make peace with them. But, whenever some difference of opinion arose, all my anger would swell in my heart. But, I had to be nice since it was my house and they were my guest. I was leading a life of double standard and it was killing me from inside.

At times, I would even feel guilty for being angry with them since they were helping me out with Vignesh. But, at the same time a lot of things around me began to change. I began to lose my independence. I began to feel a lot of restrictions on my life. A lot of times I began to feel like a stranger in my own house. That is when the alarm rang inside me. I had already had enough in my life because of these people. I did not want them to ruin my peace of mind again. But, there was nothing that I could do because they were my guests and I had to be nice to them.

So, to make this long story short, last month there was a small argument. That was enough to trigger all my emotions. 5 years of anger and frustration came pouring out. I demanded answers for all the injustices that they had done to me. I was even more angered to find that they did not have any sense of regret or even apprehension for have been so unreasonable towards me. That was the limit.

I finally severed all my ties with them. After the incident last month, I went through a lot of emotions - guilt, anger, fear, peace, etc. I was unable to decide if I had done the right thing. All of a sudden only yesterday the simple truth struck me. Whatever I said during the fight was what they had done to me. If that should offend them, it was not my fault. It was just because they were so ashamed to face the reality. I don't want to be good or bad. I just want to be right. And, in my knowledge I had done whatever I thought was right.

Finally, I have found peace. Five years of burden that I had been carrying has finally been thrown away. Thrown where it belongs. And, its time for me to move on with my life.


  1. Sumithra, I understand how hard it can be to set personal boundaries and to not feel obligated to the other person(s). I have not spoken with my mother for many, many years and because of that, I have no relationships two younger sisters. But I choose this because there would never be any true and fair reconciliation. Now that I have Gabriel, I feel even more protective of those boundaries.

    Sometimes, we have to choose what mainstream society cannot imagine for itself. (Assuming that you're speaking of your family?) Many people that find out that I am estranged from my mother and two sisters cannot understand. And I don't expect them to understand. BUT it is what I need to do to live a happy life.

    I hope you find peace and much joy with your little family. Vignesh needs 100% of his mother and you should not be compromised for someone else's selfishness.

    Good for you for setting boundaries and choosing happiness. *hugs*

  2. Sumithra,

    Wow sounds like you have definitely been going through some turmoil for quite some time....but alas I am very happy to hear you and Vignesh are well. I was getting worried!

    I am very happy that you have done what is right for your self. We must all find our inner strength and worry about us and not let anyone damage us mentally, and it sounds as though you did just that.

    I find it very funny for myself anyway, how a lot had changed since Gage was born and I learned to prioritize. People who I thought were our life long friends, turned out not to be and yea it hurt, but it was a lot less painful for me to live without them and for me to forget about them abandoning us in our toughest moments in life.

    I am just elated you are all well, as I was worried about you!

    Best, and all the love in the universe from me to you!


  3. Oh my goodness. I can't stand it when things like this occur. I am glad that you have set limits for these people, and that you are ready to move on. It's so exhausting dealing with situations like this.

    May your new beginning be filled with supportive and loving hearts.

  4. very very happy to hear that you were atleast able to get them out
    its best to stay away from toxic people- though its hard if they are family