Saturday, February 13, 2010

Horrible or plain funny?

Having a child with medical conditions , we have a lot of challenges in our way. This is the time when we learn who our true friends are and who aren't. And, there is a third category of people. People who neither stay by your side nor stay away. They are the real troublemakers who make things worse just for the sake of it. Yes, people like this truly exist. Don't believe me? Just read on.

After my son was on trach, one of my aunts came to visit us after we got back home. Having secretions and suctioning them out is a routine procedure in tracheostomy. But, this aunt of mine was so convinced that my son was having cold. Especially, after she saw me mixing his formula with 'unheated' water (FYI, it was aquafina). No amount of explaining would satisfy her and soon after, I kept receiving phone calls from a lot of people advising me to give my son boiled water to avoid him catching 'cold'.

This is the incident that made me write this post. Last month, I had gone to Bangalore for my son's ENT check up and I stayed at another aunt's house. During the course of conversation, I learn that aunt1 (from the prev. incident), has been going around telling people that my son is facing all medical problems because of me. I thought it had something to do with the stupid water thing and tried laughing it off. Later I learn that it had to do with something that happened about a decade back and it has absolutely nothing to do with pregnancy or child birth. How could she even think of such a connection!

It took a while for me to understand that she had been seriously propagating this one. I was shocked and deeply hurt. I cried. I was angry. I thought once I got back to Chennai, I would take it up with her. But, would it really make any difference? She is convinced about her stupid theory. So, why bother. Plus, I don't have the energy to go about fighting or feel the need to convince her. At least, this time she does not have the nerve to state something in front of me. Thats an improvement!

I met a mom at the Down syndrome center about 2 or 3 months back. She is a real inspiration to me. She is young and if you meet her, you would know how much she is pushing herself to bring the best out of her daughter. True to my heart, I know I can never be like her. Her daughter (with DS) is one of the brightest girls I have seen. So, during our last meeting, she tells me how her MIL is blaming her because her daughter does not have a nasal bridge! Excuse me! I see this woman fighting against all odds all alone and in stead of appreciation she is being held responsible for her daughter's lack of nasal bridge?

So, there are a lot of such stories that happens to me or I get to hear from others. I just wonder, what are we going to be blamed next for ? Climate change and global warming? I wouldn't be surprised! I don't think these people are really worth our time and anger. Wouldn't it be easy if we just ignore them? At least we could have a good laugh at their folly!


  1. Sumithra some comments are crazy, even though I have learned to let them go and ignore them it still pains the heart.

    Thank-you for your beautiful words on my post, you made me cry.....not sad, just happy. This path we walk aligned with all the beautiful trees, I just sometimes trip over the roots coming out of the ground.

    Did you happen to read that link I sent you?

    Oops almost signed off without giving you loves, I never to that.

    Hugs and all the love in the universe Sumithra.

  2. It's amazing how people can take liberty with judgement, isn't it?

    I haven't had that kind of interference in my parenting of Gabriel, but I have had to raise my voice over some that won't give me credit when it comes to managing Gabe's behaviors. I've learned that I will not please everyone (because everyone has an opinion!) So, I don't try anymore.

    Currently, I'm reading a book called "Boundaries" to help me understand why I need them, as well as how to be okay with having personal boundaries...

  3. This is Joyce. Oh my goodness. It is just amazing. I will tell you that we recently cut my entire husband's family out our lives. He told them we will no longer participate in their cruelty, hate and vindictiveness. It has been the best three months of our marriage:)

  4. Just wow. People never cease to amaze me with their stupidity. Why is so easy to remember hate, but so difficult to remember kindness? I have a log in my mind of all the stupid comments we received when Simeon came on the scene, but I'm working to remember some of the amazingly kind ones.

    It's helping.

  5. It's incredible how sometimes family or friends - people who we hope understand - go and do something so nasty. That hurts much more than remarks made by some random stranger. And I admire the way you (and also Lisa, Lianna, Joyce and Tara) are dealing with some of this vitriol. I just wish that some of your fortitude rubs off on me.

    Btw, I am a new follower of your blog and I'd like you to know that I really appreciate your candid posts. Thanks.

  6. Sumithra
    The random cruelty of people is something that always shakes my faith in human goodness
    this tendency to blame any problems the child is facing on the mother is universal
    For decades the theory of cause of Autism especially here in the West was "refrigerator mother" ie the mother was cold to the child - in response what was called the mother's "death wish"the child felt so rejected that they became autistic
    Its truly amazing how cultures have put the mother on the pedestal or found a way to crush her
    People like this aunt are toxic people and all I can say is that for someoone to be as petty and malicious as she is - she must be very unhappy deep down inside

  7. I can totally empathise with you, i went through a simoilar situation when Saira was born, from family too, my MIL to be more precise, she actually stooped so low to make a comment that we can always do cosmetic surgery when she is older, especially since Saira too doesn't have a nasal bridge...i couldn't believe what I was hearing, she also blamed me totally for Saira's birth because I didn't have an amnio, naturally had I had one one can imagine what would have been expected of me from her....needless to say I have very little to do with her now, best decision on my part.
    We are always going to come across people, whether family or strangers who are going to say something hard for us to accept, we just have to carry on, turn a deaf ear and keep fighting for our little ones, believe in them and rejoice in our beautiful lives.

  8. First congratulations on Vignesh and all his accomplishments! Crawling is huge!
    Next how awful people can be. Ignorance runs rampart! And just plain mean people do exist.
    What must hurt the most is it was a family member. So sorry.

  9. I hope you are well dear friend.

    Hugs and all the love in the universe from me to you.